Ladies! Moms out there! Do you hear me? Summer is over at least in school terms. Can you believe it? I for one am shocked at how quickly summer went. When summer began my brain knew it would go quickly but my heart is always playing chase to catch up with my brain. I have a hard time saying goodbye every year to the long hours with my kids, pool days with all of the towels, sunscreen, snacks, pool toys, cash for concessions and goggles, popsicles in the hot sun dripping on their toes, snuggles mid-day because they just want their mama, I miss spontaneous living and playing in the rain, vacations where treasured memories are obtained, laughing until I cry because kids say the craziest things sometimes. Now, I know there are hard times in the summer as well because of all the extra time we get with each other but those moments dissipate in the wind and I choose to hold on to the good memories of summer.
The night before school starts is always a hard transition for me. It is evidence of life going by, evidence that my children are another year older, evidence of the hour glass sand slipping out. I have always hated the sight of an hour glass’ sand slipping from one container into the next. The visual evidence of time flying by or even the sound of a clock ticking is a sound that keeps me awake at night questioning if I have done enough, accomplished enough, these sights and sounds leave me questioning if I am doing all of the things that God has called me to. Did I love well? Did I treasure the moments that were gift wrapped for me, my husband and my children? All of these questions always ring loud in my ears the night before school.
As I laid down on Sunday evening I knew it would be a long night before I even hit my head on my super fluffy pillow; a pillow that generally promises cloud like comfort and quick sleep. My mind whirled through the events of the day. We went to church and as our pastor preached I was taken back to the time when my twin girls were born two months early. They were due to be born on November 11, 2013 and made their unexpected appearances instead on September 11, 2013. They spent weeks living in the NICU at Ohio State Wexner Medical Center.
The day I was discharged from the hospital was the hardest day of my life. I dreamt of what motherhood would look like and this was not it. As they pushed my wheelchair to the car and I was leaving the hospital empty handed and now empty bellied I had never known such loneliness or pain. For the last seven months my body had not been my own. I could feel every kick and stretch and I longed for that again while sitting in my wheelchair trying to convince myself to get in the car and leave. I longed to carry my babes and instead I looked up to the tall hospital building and tried to find the NICU windows. I whispered my sad goodbye. I whispered in my heart for God to tell them that mommy and daddy love them. That we were not abandoning them but that we would be back every day. I prayed that God would hold them when I could not. That the girls would not have a deficiency because unlike other babies they would not be held a majority of the day. I could not fathom leaving my babies behind and yet this is what was required of me. I knew they were still my children and someday they would be coming home with me but they were not with me now. This was mine and my husbands heart wrenching reality. They were not with us when we believed they should have been and we were not going home because home was too far away. We were going to live at the Ronald McDonald House to be closer to our children.
Eventually, Michael had to go back home so he could work but I was still recovering and on maternity leave so I stayed. He did come back, almost nightly. He was my rock in this trying time for sure. Someday he will hop on my blog and write from his perspective. Everyone put some pressure on Michael so that he will be a guest on here.
With Michael being back home and working I still desired to go and be with my babies; to go hold and love on my girls and this would mean I needed to take the bus to the hospital because after a c-section you are not allowed to drive for a certain amount of time, you are supposed to take it easy and you are not supposed to lift very much weight. I was still in pain inwardly, emotionally and from my incision but my need to be with my girls kept pushing me forward. I would pack my bag with lunch, snacks, water and my pump supplies. I am sure all of these things I packed were more than I should have been carrying but I needed to go, so I picked up my bags and I walked. I walked across the busy street, across the large park and over to the bus stop and I stood waiting. I was in pain, I was scared for my children, nervous to take the bus and get to the hospital alone but I knew it was my time to pick up my bags and walk.
Here I am 8 years later. All 3 of my children are in school and I find myself “ready” to go back to work. I had decided to apply to be a substitute teacher. I had filled out the application, rebuilt my resume and received my 3 recommendation letters. I now had all that was asked of me for the application but I could not find the strength to hit the “submit” button. The fear began to grip me and I was paralyzed. Here were my questions:
1. What if I fail?
2. I have never been a working mom, what if this is a load I cannot carry?
3. Am I ready for this chapter in my life to come to a close?
I was stuck. Then when I went to church and God gifted me with this memory of picking up my bags and walking to see my girls in the NICU, He reminded me that I was able to do so because of His strength and His strength alone. He helped me to push through the pain in every step with knowing the reward of seeing my babies and quite frankly myself grow stronger every day. Whether I am ready for this chapter to come to a close or not it is going to close. Time is moving, my kids are growing and becoming more independent. Now, I was being faced with the question, “Will you hand me the author of your life the pen? Will you release control over your life and allow Me to bring you into a new chapter where there is once again beauty and strength to be found?” Here, in that moment, while sitting in church, being reminded of my past I heard God knocking on the door of my heart and He said, “It is time. Pick up your bags and walk.” God was asking me to once again pick up my bags and walk. He was reminding me that He brought me through then and that He will bring me through again because He is faithful and He loves not only me but my children as well.
God does not promise me that I will not fail. He does not promise me that I won’t drop bags along the way but He does promise to give me the strength to walk in obedience. He is asking me to be faithful in picking up my bags and to walk with them. He will take care of the obstacles that come along the way but He wants me to be faithful and obedient. So I hit the submit button on my application and to me this symbolized more than hitting submit to apply for a job but that I am choosing to submit my life to Jesus and His ways. I will do my best to train to trust that His ways are higher than my own and that when He tells me to walk I can trust He will not lead me astray.
What is your new chapter that God is calling you to? What bag is he asking you to pick up and walk with? Are you afraid, scared, doubtful? As women we can encourage one another along the way. We all have bags, we know that we do and those bags are almost always full. As we walk side by side today may we look at one another not in envy, annoyance, frustration or condemnation but may we look at one another with compassion and kindness and know that we all have things we are carrying around. May we be faithful in what we have, reach out to one another in honesty and encourage one another to not give up but to keep walking. Pick up your bags today ladies and let’s walk.
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